when i mean what i say:: March 2009

抓不住的幸福

this piano piece..

feels like its talking ..

reflecting me. part1

are there times you feel really inferior of oneself?

are there times you hoped you were someone else?

is there someone you really admire and look upon?

you even hoped you could be like her, you adore her life, her beauty, her confidence her wonderful complete life!

:)

for me.

i do have someone i look @ in awe.

all the time i'd say.

but often its at different points of my life.

at this moment; (for about 1month)

i have become a Fan of this woman. (a stranger)

Please do not laugh at my childish chase of her everyday life.

i do not ofcourse chase over her.

but each time i read her blog (yes Blog chaser)

i smile i learn smth more, and hoped even more of her life.

why?

she is a career woman of a job i'd dream to have.

she is an active lady, time to time she will get be in her sports attire and do what's needed.

she is always on the standby to learn something new, a new sport, a new game, a new recipe..

she once went to a marathon with her dad.. she is a daddy's girl.

she is happily married with a man that says "thank you to the wife" even on her grumpy day making a meal ...

she lives in a pretty & humble home with her hubby and 2 furry balls.

she actually look really sweeet and pretty and quite hot too! haha.

i can go on and on..

but there is one thing i love about reading her entries.

They are so encouraging!

and she makes me really inspired..

and she is never afraid to have her lil gurl's dream... daily wants..

and she makes then happen..

(i personally feel so..)

and reading about her.. makes me reflect about myself...

inferior i may be at moments.. esp moments like these..

i always feel that i am almost not here nor there.

i am always half-half.

and i look @ others knowing they are complete-er.

1) i am neither successful in my studies nor having a real career..

to compensate : i managed to pursue my lil dream of design, with a dip in design, but i didnt score sky high either.

2) i am always constantly intrigued with a new sport, game, adventure, project..

to compensate : i am learning swimming... learnt soccer when i was younger, have a lucky side of knowing quite a few sport.. but never a master of any of them.

3) i admit i am a daddy's girl, but i am never an ideal 1 ...

4) i am not happily married, neither having a dream home or a license. Not even with a man that i am building that dream with. (but i do have a furry ball!)

5) finally, i am not hot or well-tone or pretty!

haha.

omg, i can't believe i am doing this!

but yes.

thats my kind of life and constant envy of..

but i still look forward for a complete future.

i really am.

everyday i am.

everyday i hoped to have a complete-er day, life and doing of things.

(to be continued... cause.. i am late for swimming with my annoying frens!)

friendship.

as i was complaining abt being angry and all on my previous post..

i tried to recall all that was given to me besides my anger grown at that ground..

and i went to my fren's blog. :)

she is really someone i'd say.

we have a really special friendship.

do u think so ky?

haha. im not sure if u read this entry u'll know its u!

do u know i always love to drop by ur emo blog for the best music to soothe and button up or button down that emotion or thoughts...

where do u get all those amazing music my fren!?!

its inborn! it is..

its in you!

i will always miss u holding ur guitar singing infront of my cubicle when everyone else is out @ lunch..

i will miss u and your exciting stories and laughter.. the way u call my name when i say smth really evil..

i will always remember how much u love your beer!

at work, at lunch, at teatym, at writer's block, at after work hours.. all the time! HA.

and i will always remember how i look @ u in awe, that strong willed, that strong passion, that tough side, that always ready to make the change, do the best out of urself~ attitude.

ky, i think u fear none! :) u live ur life the way u want it right? almost. bcus i know u set ur priorities right as well... :)

this tym.. this song caught me...

listening for a whole 5 mins..

when i know nth abt the lyrics.. bcus it is in Jap..

i dunno why.. but

i felt his emptiness,

loneliness this instance..

this 5mins..

:)

and this other 1..

always like Beyond.

but its nice to hear someone else singing their pieces..

it feels all different..

so much of the soft kind of..

btw, its 何韵诗 singing 喜欢你

I suddenly miss u myfren!

hope to see u real soon!!

:)

Angry Post....

i can't help but feel this anger and annoyance upon reading the instructions given to me.

i am really angry.

i wonder y i am this angry when i already know the bottom line of such.

when will i ever learn my lesson.

when will i ever stop complaining when i did it with all my willingness and find excuses for it.

when?

i think i really care about the things that may be happening behind me while i am gone.

i shall stop caring about such trivia craps.

i really can't help but have those Ally Mcbeal moments of thinking about what could be said, done or mocked @ of myself when im away.. and the fake and friendly smiles i am given before or after! omg. this is getting alil hilarious thou. HAHA.

maybe the upsetting thing is the pain of what i once put in.

the amount and all i gave.

and there it is.

gone with the wind.

i really dislike this side of me.

often i love to give it all..

and thou as much as i dont wish to ask for anth in return..

i often have glimpse of hope and greed to ask for at least appreciation..

oh crap.

kick that out of my head.

anyway..

its history.

let me breathe...

i give.

i was given bk actually..

hmph.

thou nt enough for this angry heart now..

but..

i learn alot alot alot then.

n given my fair share of joy and great experiences ya.

:)

breathe!! haha.

i can't wait to get into the industry and work my ass off for a real kind of Self Satisfaction!

:D

i shall work hard. harder for myself ya!

:)

thou i know i may be worst of working for real... :P

well,, sorta learnt that fair bit already.. which includes this very angry post!

conversation

my 三姐 says...

"u can never compromise anything for the future cos u will be living with it.."

" if u cant accept it, don't"

*breathe*

wordS

overheard this on the radio,

i nod and agree as i repeated it to my sisters and saved it in my phone..

i want to be glad and happy that i was able to give. gave.

" you can give without loving,

but you definitely not love without giving.."

i want to give again...

*

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

Revelation 21:4

As i read this verse, i took a deep breathe..

*

And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right.

2 Thessalonians 3:31

i asked if; i really know what is right?

i pray that god will lead me to walk what is right in his eyes,

everyday.

*

When you ask, you do not receive, because u ask with the wrong motives, that you may spend what u get on your pleasures.

James 4:3

be contented.

not greedy.

i want to be grateful everyday.

don't ask for more.

because its how you see it.

Hmph. i try to be everyday.

*

how can i be truthful to myself?

how can i be clear with myself?

i shall be when things comes.

be it doubt or fear.

be it changes or shocks.

i will learn how to face it.

be it tears or regrets.

i will have to swallow it.

holding on to that pretty picture i have..

everyday.

Butterfly Kisses.

壞人

caught this mtv on tv out of the blue..

and i thought its quite smth. :)

but again.. who is the singer?!!?! :P

i wanted to blog about the wonderful time i have with snr witch jus now.

but i couldnt do it.

i tried to sleep.

but i couldnt as well.

i hope its the time of the month.

else why so?

ms kek says she is proud of me.

i smiled with a deep breath.

:)

i really hope i am.

i'm still coping ya.

just i know that i have to keep clear of what is the better of.

i gotta be firmer.

gotta be practical.

gotta be braver.

gotta be tougher even meaner..

thats for the choice i have made.

and that my mind is clearer and i am trying more then i thought i would be to balance the new relationship i have.

*

i guess i am like on this transit train ride.

the moment i decided to hop on the other train..

choose my seat,

whoever that sits next to me,

the scenery i may be facing,

the air that i breathe,

is gonna be with me for awhile before i alight my stop,

change my train.

and whatever this journey may bring;

is what and how i hold on to face wads around me.

my mind thats constantly in doubt helps none.

my positive outlook of the future may just help me have a dreamer scenery,

better companion, fresher scent.

but if its harder then i could have imaging;

i will have to hangon,

because i have chose this.

i cant turn back because the track goes one way.

and in order to get on to my next train ride,

i gotta keep that mind going,

keep that hope living,

continue to look forward..

because i know i should be glad i was able to go thru the train ride from where i hop in.

or wher i last alighted at.

because i know ..

i know i wanted this.

i know.

i should know right..

hmph.

i am talking nonsense again! :P

*

i wrote someone this; after i finished watching a HK drama serial.

the show is called The most beautiful 7th Day.

".. God used 7days to build this World. He created the most beautiful Things for Mankind; Therefore be it what ever you may go thru in your life, for as long as you still know how to cherish life, it will still be as beautiful!..."

:)

「上帝創造天地萬物，用了七天的時間。祂將最美麗的事物，都放在世人的面前。所以人生在世，無論經歷過什麼，只要你懂得珍惜，一切都可以是最美好。」

google-ed the actual real phrase online! hope i wrote close enough!

i smiled to sleep that early morning.

*

安静了

by S.H.E

*

i heard this song afew times.

kept wondering what song is it.

during the lil conversation today..

this song was played on the radio..

and some parts of the lyrics reminded me of the kind of struggle i put myself thru in the early stages .. n then, every song, every lil lyrics that meant smth will bring me thoughts, bring me ideas, bring me pain and fear...

but today..

thou it was bitter..

but the song just feels different.

you felt different.

i felt bitter. sour.

but no longer painful.

because..

i think everything has 安静了 :)

yups,

as cliche as i make it sound.

it is.

really like that.

its like..

alil teary.

alil bitter.

alil soury.

alil smiley.

maybe more of each may bring better aftermath.

but up till now.

i think it is just quieter.

at least for my heart it is.

:)

whatever

read on a fren's blog:

: "I don’t miss you, I miss the person I thought you were"

*

and all i want to say is whatever.

watched.

thought; it was ok.

could be better?

i enjoyed the love, family kind of relationship in the show

more the the dog thingy in the family.

it's a happy show.

not as teary as the everyone says it is i would say!

i didn tear cause i thought Marley lived a complete life! :)

or maybe i anticipated too much?

maybe the book would be better!

well,

i still loved the "love" in the show.

the sitting on the leg, the way they kiss and show their kind of love.

they just lived in each other's eyes :)

and of cus the way they build their family :)

i guess its Wynn&Me !

and yes, having a furry one sure brings more joy then u can imagine.

*

weekends.

*

goodnitey.

*

when i am supposed to be doing something else..

i just had to say that..

My Baby sleeps with her Paws Crossed ~

how lovely is that!

and

I REALLY WANT TO WATCH

MARLEY & ME!

like now.

like soon.

i feel like i am like a lil gurl now

forgive me.

(just drew a whole page of flower petals.)

because i can't stand reading or hearing others mentioned abt the movie!

haha.

my sis is a moron.

my sisters i mean.

they were discussing about it.

one has watched it.

i had to shut them up.

i shall do it.

*

15mins of Grey's.

Caught 15 mins of Grey's Anatomy..

and it left me with this:

Pain;

is here for a reason.

for some to feel.

Pleasure;

have just that' enough,

until someone gets stomach ache..

Fantasies;

maybe it could only be left in our dreams..

*

你.恋爱了吗?

i like this picture :P

i feel like going picture taking sometym..

was @ Esplanade to watch coolman's fren perform.

she is this young lady, with her guitar, singing her voice out.. with smiles and all :)

i salute her.

big dreams and all.

not everyone out there have the peserverence to do so.

plenty to learn from ya.

(but besides the performance, i do enjoy the other bit of humour frm the company i had next to me, amazingly... :P )

(her name is Jillian-Marie-Thompson

frm Music & Movement)

and we went to secret garden for desserts,

i feel no excitement, thou i made a point to wear my flowery dress..

i guess i have passe that want.

maybe it was never the place.

but i will always love gardens, swings.. always.

*

today, i have quite a handful of different thoughts/feelings/mood

an old neighbour called, familier voice and name calling;

her 1st qs to me was "你结婚了吗"?

and when i met her she added this " 你.恋爱了吗"

HAHA. i want to laugh.

seriously. what a question!!

but yes as corny as the words were used..

i stumbled upon it with my current status.

ms.kek even shared a news of her fren having a baby..

it just hit me.

& when i saw u giving my dad a warm hi with that smile of urs.

and my dad returned his.

that smile.

i once really longed for. and longed to see all the time.

i seem to have gotten back to where i started,

where i first had that pretty picture,

that pretty drawn ideal 1.

one i thought was once lost.

but i have now found back.

found my lil hope and dream,

like a lil girl always had..

like the song Jill sang that day..

Que sera, sera,
'Whatever will be, will be;
'The future's not ours to see.
'Que sera, sera,
'What will be, will be.

....

doll said to me today;

".. your life is always fascinating ..."

*

*
When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, 'What will I be?
'Will I be pretty?
'Will I be rich?'
Here's what she said to me:

'Que sera, sera,
'Whatever will be, will be;
'The future's not ours to see.
'Que sera, sera,
'What will be, will be.

When I grew up and fell in love,
I asked my sweetheart, 'What lies ahead?
'Will we have rainbows
'day after day?'
Here's what my sweetheart said:

'Que sera, sera,
'Whatever will be, will be;
'The future's not ours to see.
'Que sera, sera,
'What will be, will be.'

Now I have children of my own,
They ask their mother, 'What will I be?
'Will I be handsome?
'Will I be rich?'
I tell them tenderly:

'Que sera, sera,
'Whatever will be, will be;
'The future's not ours to see.
'Que sera, sera,
'What will be, will be.'
(finale)QUE SERA SERA

when i mean what i say:

Monday, March 30, 2009

抓不住的幸福

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

reflecting me. part1

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

friendship.

Angry Post....

Saturday, March 21, 2009

conversation

wordS

Monday, March 16, 2009

Butterfly Kisses.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

壞人

Friday, March 13, 2009

安静了

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

whatever

Saturday, March 07, 2009

watched.

Friday, March 06, 2009

when i am supposed to be doing something else..

Thursday, March 05, 2009

15mins of Grey's.

你.恋爱了吗?

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