midway.. mixedup me.
my life n attitude towards life n the thing arnd me has been changing...
today sum1 told me everyday we judge all over again.. b it on sum1 or the things around us... n i totallly agree..
i feel pretty 'tight'... i mean... everythings all sqeezed up.
My school wrk is all pretty messed up.. n packed... till e 11th... but im keeping my fingers crossed.. :) at least i got things done this week!.. feel pretty happi.
My social life has been rather filled w more then i would ever imagined. its nt that much.. but it is drastically changing by the day. I've found 'fun' ive found 'anticipation' but along w all those brings others that i would hope to abandoned.. ( i knw im sumtymes write v weird n complicated... actually i myself oso feel confused... haha)
But i can say that.. i wanna live a happy life. i wanna live one thats for myself n nobody else..
i tnk ive grown to b selfish. grown to realise the importance of being able to find assurance in 'me'... no longer that girl that just wanna live like others thought may be the best me.
ok.. im still trying...
i dun wanna cry to sleep at the end of a happi-day out anymore..
but at tyms the change make my hart spin.
frankly im more unsure of things bcoz ive let go the control in them...
i knw it sounds complex...
but thats how i feel now..
i feel compleXXXXxxxx...complicated.....
BUt i still wanna live w/o fixing this complex situation. dun hate me... dun blame me... i just wanna giv it a shot for all to realise ME... i dun wanna b the one to lead the road. to bear the emotional area of us/every1.
anyway...
today was a tiring n gd day i feel..
at least i feel recharged.. n felt that i had things done . satisfied abit la.
tmr will b a tiring start
***************************************************************
Dont's assume u know... bcoz often thigns are nt the way it seems!
-familiar?i live by the moment..
i feel nervous...
i can be wrong...
i pretend i c nth....
i feel that im turning away my conscience bcoz of my selfishness..
i hate me... but wads best?
i tnk all i ned is tym.
in tym we'll all know.
b strong every1..
bcoz life gets tougher each day...
n living thru each adds life n builts U... so its worth it.
mylove,
cinds'
its was very high up.. n v low dwn.
it was a rollarcoaster day.
there were smiles, tears n pain.
things were bad.. but sum brought light.
i was told that he( my fav lecturer) actually paid a amnt of money for my fren who's sch fees cldnt b paid full due to financial probs.. e amnt was small.. but he was never close to him.. he just took the letter n headed to the office, paid w his nets card n handed a $50 to my fren...
he wanted to help.
hte story goes on.. it may sound rather .....not-so galm of positive ina way.. but it really was.. n he is the kind of MAN i call MAN.
i tried to put sch aside, put unhappi tots aside n enjoy the day w e fullest positive attitude.
ofcus things never swayed my side.
but i was all ok..
until..
He argued,
he interfered,
he insist,
he hurt me.
( i tnk only he can make me cry.)
she broke smth i loved.
it was just a small thing but it all happened like opening a can of
coke u just picked up frm e floor i dropped.
i still had to smile n luff.
i still have to pretend it was flu.
i hate to hate.
xy told me to read her blog..
it melted me again..
but w tears of much love n misses this tym.
u know y i hate MARch!.
i thnk its a very-march unhappy mnth.
w hopes of studying crashed n futures a dist...
n grad a long way..
my vision has turned blured.
im trying hard to search for it.
but it seem far away.
y now. y today.. or even yesterday.
no im nt toking abt u.
wadever.. i hate to blog when i cnt even say i wad i want.
but i love my gurlfrens..
n no im not lesbian.
love u all..
Im sharing my love bcus u guys have divided my pain....
loveu all lots.
since forever.
it has been.. really long.. since i wrote.
life's pretty hectic.
i missed those simple and happy days.. those non complex times.
i guess when frenship just started... it seems flawless n less complicated. dun u tnk?
u just earns for an extra day to know them better..
simple yet happi thoughts that lives by that moment.
i wanted to write today bcus i wanted to remember today.
its valentine's day.
this yr. it felt nt even abit lonely..
even if i'd stay hm.. i guess i wnt b upset.
i did went out.. n reached hm with a bouquet of rocher. ( im nt showing off! hah)
but im nt totally happi abt it.. realy.
my feelings now its really weird.
if u asked me... Is the glass half full or half empty?
i'll answer u.." its non of my business".... "but... i'll hope its half full"
reason being i knew the meaning behind the qs.. it makes my answer the way i want it..
THATS how i feel..
i know whats happening around me...
i knew things would turn out this way..
i could imagine it...
i felt it...
i could c things changing ...
and yet i din bother to stop it..
change it..
or even do anth...
i just sat arnd n allowed it...
i tnk im gettting really out of hand.
i tot that by just sitting arnd could let things turn for the better...
i shld stop dreaming.. n live right.
i hate myself abt this..
but i know this can only b helping me continue to b a happi me.
there are often two sides of everything..when u thought u knew ...dun assume.( smth i wrote aum tym ago..)I wnt say u dun understand me.. but il say i dun wan u to understand me.i feel that.. i myself dun even recognise myself. whers me? how old am i? wad does my future holdS?
it has been a long day.
today's a brand new chapter bcus of u.
i'll realy thnk abt it..
i tnk u know wad i felt then.. but dun assume...
u dun know me... bcus i dun tnk i know myself that well too.
Love is just too complex.. too great.. too pain.. and too human..
hah.. its weird huh..
valentines day.. wad a Day.REally.. WHat A dAY!.
to my dearies... i miss u all..
sorry i din get to meetup w u all..
school's reallly a mess up.. w my final 3 weeks.. n nth much finish...
ahhha.. im just keeping my fingers cross.
love uall.. n pls keep me inform w ur lives
..we'll meetup soon.
mylove,
cinds'
