Own.self.
i live by the contentment of what life brings.
you live by big hopes of your wants.
even if the world thinks that i am a selfish brat.
even if you want to make me tell you i am.
even if i have my selfish thoughts.
i realised.
you are selfish too.
and it hurts.
because,
i thought i was the one.
but i guess i was wrong.
i feel like telling you to get lost.
leave me alone.
but it hurts to do so.
*
my sis sent me a bible verse msg about forgiveness today.
,
read Melody Chen's blog and she wrote her fave bible verse:
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” ( Heb 12:1 )
*
forgiveness.
i wanted it.
i wanted understanding.
i wanted the better for the future.
but i have learnt.
no1 will ever know.
what the future lies.
it all falls within one's self.
u gotta make your way.
run your race.
live your life.
yourself.
separate body/mind.
its pretty morning.
woke up with some "noise" and a warm msg :)
off; to do wads needed in a bit.
finished was i was supposed to do.
receive a phone call which i knew it coming.. but hoped it didn't.
the kind of breathe i take now is completely different from the previous moment.
i wonder why.
i feel like i have 2 different mind&bodies living in me.
1 living by the joy and enthusiasm of my wants.
the other 1 living by the turns and changes of each day's struggles and thoughts.
i think i have a 3rd body;
this 1 living by my hopes and dreams and disciplines of lessons learnt.
i wonder why do i have such a separate mind, body, heart like now..
i wished i could do better.
i wished i knew what is/was right.
i hate to complain, i hate to find excuses for myself.
i hate to say "i know i am selfish but i .."
i hate to feel unsure.
i hate to have my heart beating so fast for the wrong reasons, like now.
: i feel like screaming this moment more then me wanting a hug from you the other time.
is that why?
*
i had my first swimming lesson yesterday!
:):):):)
just saw the photos,
i think i looked like an idiot.
but.
i had a wonderful tym!
my frens really push me, and love me (i hope!)
haha.
really wanna thank them for how they shower me with.
the time, the effort, the care, the torture! :P
Quote.
I read this in a friend blog whom i havent visited in ages..
and i read this over n over again with my mind
Nodding! :)
"It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe." - Robert Service
Inspired.
Today i met my old girlies :)
Today we updated each others life's.
Today we laughed and talk crap like many years ago.
Today I was Inspired By one of my dear girlfren!
:)
She blew me away with her charm and capability of today.
She worked her way thru the many ups n downs in life.
i remember the time we saw her searching for the direction in life then.
i remember her being alone when some1 left her.
i remember her tough front when she never knew what was ahead then.
i remember her being the big sister of her siblings despite herself.
today.
i saw her in all glow!
she is one capable moron!!! :P
she drove me home with a really personalized car filled with Stitch.
(24 stitch to be exact)
(it has a super cute GPS that helps her with roads)
she is all in love with this lovely man.
(thou each r.s differs, i'm just glad she is happy as of today, and i see the bright light ahead)
i hear her plan of further studies and plan of what should be better of her.
i see her being who she is of today because of her hard work and perseverance.
i see her big smile telling me her love for driving!
and of course the cute picture of her n her darling in the middle of her car...
this tough brat has a lovely small-women side that she grumbles about.
i just see her happy and all good..
and really capable.
she is my inspiration today!
:)
Happy Birthday My 偶像!!
and ofcourse.. i had a lovely time with them...
while Dol and i were playing with our 2 most irritating Hps! :P
*
cycling joy~
I've been enjoying quite abit of my life lately.
some times i feel guilty~
yes, all the fun and all.
i know i would have been doing more then such if things weren't this way.
i'm thankful for having quite a number of freelance jobs in hand lately.
fills my time up and earning my spend! :)
last week was as eventful as the week before.
but more of a positive events and wrk!
Cycling with my sweet friends for 3 hrs! a good 3 hrs.
and they made everything perfect
when we had a surprise bd for Haf that late night!
this i call,
My Perfect Outing!
we just go where we want to,
do we needed to do.
everyone played their part.
from transport, taking care of each other,
to just finding a bathing place!
:) thankyou all.
i really appreciate every bit of it.
( i woke up the next morn with 2 salompas on my thighs! HA)
a brand new week after all the happenings!
back to reality.
but i secretly look forward for more fun with everyone..
:)
more please...
thankyou.
i wake up and falls asleep with the same words running through me.
if its hard for me.
i think its harder for you.
sorry.
and thankyou.
i really just wanna say thankyou to you.
because.
i never knew i was so worthy.
*
sad poems.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines
by Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,’The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
***
i read this from someone's blog.
a nursing broken heart; blogger.
she said she loved the poem,
her fav verse is - Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
i look in it.
i feel her, from a perspective of a stranger tonight.
i take a deep breath and felt so.
every min someone kisses another,
some else gets a broken heart.
why love,
why fall,
why search,
why hope,
if we all knew.
im blabbering nonsense already.
i decide to stop here.
*
waiting kills.
waiting.and waiting.
i am blogging more then i thought i would be.
having so much to do..
and so many intervals to wait for replies, replies n replies.
but nothing is more painful to wait at where i am now.
as i wait for mummy's return from her scan i sit here...
and saw;
the opp ward is filled with ppl at one of the beds.
i saw tears.
i don't like my view.
not at all.
i feel it and i shiver.
(on a side note, i give my highest respect to the professionals of this field, and i am smiling because i once know someone close to the heart of such)
taking huge breaths and surfing the net aimlessly for my wait.
i wish i have some smiles now.
more joy please?
i wanna go out.
go walk.
go laugh.
thanku mydear june;
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
i fear not :)
im just complain- y :P
mummy just got back n is hungry! ggooooooodd...
mummy.
erjie says " i feel like i'm the mummy"
i replied " yes Mum!"
we just did the laundry, dishes, emptied trash, planned tmr's schedule, dog's dinner for tmr..
i just check on dad, his hp charged, off his tv, windows, lights, on the aircon...
(my daddy can be like a baby, he just falls asleep over such everyday... i bet his wife do this everyday without realising it)
mummy plays such a huge role at home.
wynn had to have her dinner @ almost 10pm.
trash wasn't emptied.
sofa's pillow all over
floors not clean.
..
thou i can do the chores,
Sue is doing well with clothes,
daddy slept with a can of beer..
its different.
different that mummy is not home and all good.
i am getting alil sentimental now.
was @ the ER yesterday.
for a freaking 6-7hrs.
(mum is ok)
but we waited.
i recalled the time i was admitted.
i rested just next to where mum rested yesterday.
so many things was happening in front of me.
imagine the things happening each day, every hour, min.
from yesterday to today.
i seem to have maximized my time double or even triple.
rushed the many jobs as supposed to in hand, acc mum all day, relief work,
did the chores.. and its still 11odd only.
:)
as much as i hope mummy is gonna be discharge soon after all the tests n examines.
i also hope that i will keep in mind what i have gone thru in just this mere 48hrs.
be thankful.
i pray.
i cherish.
i learn.
i am greatful everyday.
benjamin button.
i'm all overloaded with work.
but i am so so so lazy.
:P
i hope i am more excited then i am.
*
Benjamin Button..........is amazingly Unique.
it is not like the usual show you live in. (i felt so)
it is not like those total smiley or exciting shows. (but there were moments i can't wait to see what happens next)
it is not the usual brad pitt kind of shows.
it is not everyone's cup-of-tea.
but.
I enjoyed it.
I thought it was..
nice.think-y.unique.
its just different!
i bet not everyone can think of such!
but well..
you can and only watch such shows once.
hope nobody imitates this kind of a story~
*
i came home with a 'stop', 'look'.
and found a 'mouse' in my bag.
one i really needed to aid those 'faces' i edit thru the night.
thkew.
i was. shocked.
now. lost.
*
weekends...
my weird combination
i thought it loooks like a pretttty plate of healthy beings...
don't you think?
but...
it is quite weird actually!!
the taste!!
I'M WEIRD!
*
i had a good n enjoyable discussion about healthier lifestyle, exercising stuffs with Snr Witch!
we had thoughts about YOGA(the bad tymslot n expensive mats), SWIMMING(expensive pretty swimwear n unglam thighs)...all the way to Aerobics(nt us but good fat burners), Sauna(she worries she faints unglamly), OSIM's uZap(me), igallop(her)! and more more more... HAHA.
the world is unfair! cus there is no end to calories sticking on to those that enjoys food more then the other!
i tried this week;
45mins jog, 30mins on the electronic bicycles that says 32ocalories burnt on monday.
i wanted to go a second day.. n it rained. well.. there r always room for excuses!
but.. today.. Snr Witch brought us to Mr.Prata. (there goes that lil effort)
and... the feast coming this saturday..
told ya life isnt fair! or.. life is too good for me.. thats y mr calories love me so! :P
maybe sunday..
*
i feel so much lighter today.
mentally (ehem) hahaha.
but what's tmr like.
seek and u'll find, he says. :)
today.
today, i overheard 2 ladies over dinner..
talking about each others views about men, relationships.
i smiled.
hearing all sorts of wants, firm thoughts, needs,
Hopes, views about them or their kind of men.
i smiled - halfway.
because i am envious.
i am happy for them,
Jealous and annoyed.
yes, all confused and messed up emotions there.
i think, its like a part of me hoped to be like them,
those happy thoughts.dreams&hopes :)
but another part of me is irritated by their wishful or overly rated thoughts.
envious i'd say.
it is scary.
i am scary.
because i am having negative thoughts of things.
simple and hopeful things.
i don't like it very much.
i don't like me' very much these days.
*
i finally spoke out to a close one. today.
on more of my lost thoughts.
she knows me, my bits, our bits.
she always have the clearer mind.
she made me feel more relieved.
thku there.
:)
but well.
i know its all about me n myself.
i have realised its always about me.
she says i am always a lucky girl,
with so many angels around me.
:) i am really blessed, i really am.
maybe thats why i'm so frightened.
i don't like to be unsure.
i don't like to be disliked.
i don't like to dislike myself.
i really think i can just talk and talk about such rubbish.
because it runs through my mind all the time.
but it annoys me.
i bet it annoys you too..
can u feel it?
time of the month. i tnk.
i don't know if its the women's time of the month or what's getting on my nerves, triggering my tear glans.
i tried to sleep since 11pm..
*
i speak as if i am such an expert,
i complain as thou i know it all well,
i show anger like i am under so much hurt,
i smile for myself. or ;
i smile for my selfish self.
which i thought was for everyone else.
*
if only.
i hope.
*
thank you..
*
